Mar
22
2011

Why Are Churches So Afraid of Single Pastors?

An article by Matt

This morning in the New York Times I am quoted in a story on single pastors. The story stemmed from an article by Mark Almlie at Out of Ur. Mark is a 37 year old single man with experience pastoring in several large churches. The recent economic situation caused him to begin searching for a new church to serve. As any pastor will tell you ministry job searches are brutal. I am probably being charitable when I use the word brutal to describe these searches (or unfair to the word brutal?), the time involved in the process, the countless questionnaires and levels of interviews along with onsite visits makes this process pretty tedious. While this search is tough for anyone, add to that the fact that you are single, and things get a little more complicated.

In late 2005 I was a single man in my early thirties. Having successfully served in youth ministry for eight years I was pretty certain that I would not have much of a problem finding a new church in which to serve. Over the year that was my job search I was reminded once again how difficult the job hunt was, how many times churches will unintentionally lead you on or try, “keep you on the hook”, or flat out lie about your status with them. As I searched for a church it was common for me to be asked by an interviewer to “tell me about your family”. Knowing what they were really asking for I would tell them about my family of origin, my parents and my sister. When they finally asked me about my wife I would respond “she’s fabulous! I just haven’t met her yet.” After a bit of a chuckle on both sides the conversation would continue, but would be noticeably shorter than conversations where that did not come up.

I often heard back from my references that they had a conversation about my singleness: “is there a reason that Matt is single?” was a popular question. Others would ask if I was socially awkward, heterosexual, or any other version of the “why is Matt not married like the rest of us” type question. Throughout the process I got frustrated. Very frustrated. Having ended a serious relationship two years earlier I was not ready to be married at this time… though it seemed as if it would have helped me to get a job.

Reading Almlie’s story reminded me of the frustration of being a single pastor looking for a job, and it brings up some great questions about what we believe about pastors… single or married. Let’s be honest for a minute. We all know, or know of, pastors, both married and single, who have done inappropriate things with a member of the opposite sex (in some cases, the same sex). We all know, or know of, pastors, both married and single, who are in ministry for the wrong reasons… whether they need the paycheck, or someone expected them to be a pastor, or whatever. We all know, or know of, pastors, both married and single, who are Godly men, who love Jesus and their congregations, and are phenomenal pastors and leaders.

In 1 Corinthians 7:1 Paul tells us that it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman and in verses eight and nine he uses himself as an example to the unmarried, encouraging them to stay so. It would seem in the years since Paul wrote this that the church has made a pretty significant cultural jump that would make it difficult for Paul himself to serve in many of our churches.

I wonder… how many churches have missed out on God doing something amazing within their congregation because they refused to hire a single pastor?

http://twitter.com/willadair willadair

Unmarried guys that haven’t taken a vow of lifelong chastity and who plan to eventually marry may be wise to wait until marriage before seeking a pastoral position. They should not be auto-disqualified just for being single. Yet, (you probably knew a yet was coming) singleness has its on unique circumstances as opposed to married couples.

I’ve put a lot of thought in to this. This is coming from a guy who has been a children and youth pastor, a church planter, and who has pastored both as a single guy and as a married guy. I’ve been married almost seven years and have been in various level of church service for a decade. It’s fresh both ways. If you want to pastor kids, which are often the most defenseless of God’s flock then you better be willing to go in to the ring to defend your right and calling. The people interviewing a candidate does not know them. Besides, trust is something earned not assumed.

I want to know why isn’t he married? Is he planning on it? This is a huge question.

If he answers yes then that show he wants to have a relationship that is sexual. This opens the door to other questions. How have his prior relationships been? Would he provide their contact information? How has he acted inside those relationship? Does he struggle with porn or any other addiction? Does he have accountability? How will this single guy effect the makeup of the Church that he is applying with? What led him to youth ministry or pastoral ministry now as opposed to some other vocation at this stage in his life?

If he answers no then that opens the questions of why he is choosing celibacy. Is it of the Lord or some earthly hangup (socially awkward, feels to ugly to “get the girl”, is he a homosexual and not attracted to women, etc)? If he is homosexual, is he practicing or not? Would he practice if given the opportunity?

Another question is he willing to have accountability? Will he answer to questions about his sexuality openly?

The reason Paul tells Timothy (1 Tim 3) to look for married guys and kids for elders (pastors) is because you can observe the guy with his wife and kids. That is harder to do with a single guy because he hasn’t formed those relationships yet. Calling a guy to pastoral ministry isn’t dating. It should be seen as OT style courting. Maybe he’s a great catch to marry the ministry of the Church. Maybe he isn’t. Paul was also a itinerant minister.

The younger single guy in particular has to be studied carefully. The Bible is clear that there are wolves in sheep’s clothing. There are also a lot of stupid shepherds and dumb lambs. Observation show that is particularly true for shepherds fresh out of bible college and seminary. As a rule a single man has a lot more temptations, less outlets, & less accountability than his married counterpart. Young single guys have a harder road to walk alone.

Sexual temptation is a bigger issue then we want to admit. You put a barely 20 something heterosexual male (with or without a addiction/attraction to porn) with a 12-18 heterosexual female without really good oversight then you are likely asking for trouble. Sexuality and sex is a powerful combination to lead to either great blessings (ie marriage) or great heartache (ie premarital sex and a inappropriate relationship). Small and rural churches in particular generally do not have healthy oversight for the single pastor.

The ingenuity of Paul’s charge to Timothy was that it was looking for leaders who were already grounded in their lives. Unmarried guys as a rule are not there. In our culture, a lot of them have mature bodies but the souls of undisciplined boys. They have yet to really grow up. The model in Timothy also leans towards growing leaders from within. If a leader grows up in the Church then they have more chance for oversight, accountability, and hopefully discipleship that will help establish them on the right path.

I wonder how many churches threw young men right in to the mouth of Satan in their lack of being cautious in their desire to fulfill a open position hoping for the best?

http://www.churchthought.com Matt Steen

I am glad that you took the time to write this out, 140 characters can be so constricting.

I agree with you on most of this… Having a similar background to yours, I have experienced both sides and I would agree that there are unique challenges to single ministry… just as there are in married ministry.

Were I to be involved in the hiring of a pastor of any sort (youth, senior, associate, whatever) I would be asking the many of the same questions whether single or married. Yes, wives and kids can tell you much about a man, but they can only tell you so much… and so many times wives and kids are well trained to put on the show.

I think the bigger issue here is not whether a man is married or not, but how the church allows so many to fall victim to a moral failure. Single or married, the issues are often times the same: lack of accountability, lack of true community, inappropriate expectations, and burnout. We can blame failures on life stage or marital status, but so often we miss this stuff early on because of a missing desire to really dive into one another’s lives and deal with what is really going on with our church leaders.

Thanks for your thoughts Will… I greatly appreciate your contribution.

Almliemark

matt just wanted to thank you for sticking up for me on the Jesus Creed blog. thanks for having my back. You understood what I was trying to say. thanks man. isn’t this cool that a national conversation on singles in the ministry has been spawned? Did you read albert mohler’s defense of his words in the article? He posted a full article on his webpage http://www.albertmohler.com

thanks for being a part of the article. your words and thoughts added a lot I thought.

grace and peace,
mark

http://www.churchthought.com Matt Steen

Mark, it has been my pleasure! I have enjoyed the journey on this and am looking forward to seeing how the conversation goes in the years to come. I have a feeling that a bigger conversation will be started on how churches do the hiring process.

The more I soak on it the more I am starting to believe that the single pastor issue is a symptom of a bigger issue which revolves on how churches do hiring in general. I would wish the church hiring process on no one, and will definitely keep you in prayer as you go through it in the days to come…

I do not miss those days, and I have decided that my next church, wherever and whenever that may be will not be through the sending out of resumes, but is going to have to come through relationships first… resumes eventually. Of course, the fact that I currently have a job allows me the luxury to go about it this way.