May
25
2011

Team Killers: Lack of Listening

An article by Matt Comments

Over the last few weeks we have been looking at habits, attitudes, and behaviors that cause a team to fail. We have called these Team Killers, and today I want to walk through the most ironic killer on the list: lack of listening.

One of the things that I have found through the years is that even though church leaders are expected to act as counselors, confidantes, and provide wisdom to our congregations, we are horrible at the simple act of listening.

I realize that this is a broad generalization, but I generally find that many of us approach conversations with an attitude of “nothing is going to surprise me”, and make assumptions about where a conversation will lead. This is not an intentional act in most cases, many times it results from having actually seen a lot throughout the course of one’s ministry or perhaps it comes from the way that one is wired internally. Either way, the result is the same: it takes a great deal of focus and effort to fully listen to another person.

We inherently know that this can be disastrous when it comes to working with members of our congregation, and so we discipline ourselves to pay attention when we meet with people outside our inner circle… but what happens when we gather as a team? In the middle of a staff meeting, when someone is discussing an area of ministry that you are less than interested in, are you truly listening? Are you truly present in the discussion?

My generation has a bad habit. We tend to be overdependent on our gadgets. Cell phones, laptops, iPads, you name it, we have all the electronic firepower that we need to take over the world. While our gadgets can serve us well as tools, they can also get in the way of our being able to fully engage and listen to others. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who stopped mid-sentence to respond to a text, tweet, or email? Have you ever been baring your soul to another, only to have them giggle at someones latest comment on their Facebook page? The worst part is that most times we don’t even know that we are doing it… but those around us do.

In order for a church leadership team to truly work well together, members need to feel as though they are listened to. Truly, deeply listened to. They need to know that you are going to hear what they are saying, that you are not going to read their minds, and that you are going to participate in conversations with them. This takes intentionality, but it can be done.

Here are a few things that I do, to make it easier for me to listen well… This is nothing groundbreaking, but it helps me to make those I am communicating with feel valued:

My Phone. Before going into a meeting I turn all sounds on my phone off. I do this even before I get out of my vehicle, or leave my office. I do not turn my sound back on until after I say good-bye to the person or people that I am meeting with. I do not answer my phone when I am with someone unless it is my wife, and she calls twice.
Note-taking. I tried to do the note-taking thing with my laptop, but I failed miserably with at it. Truth is that I am powerless over checking my email. I need to check it every 37 seconds when my laptop is on, or I will break into a cold sweat and my hands start shaking. I also have found that using a laptop to take notes creates an artificial barrier between me and those with whom I am meeting. I have noticed that the interaction changes between us, which makes it easier to check email, and so on. I currently keep an ecosystem journal as my primary note-taking tool. If I need more space, I bust out a legal pad, but it feels less intrusive to me than a laptop (as an aside, I am thinking about trying a smart pen and would love to hear stories of anyone who has or is using one).
Eye Contact. I am constantly reminding myself to make eye contact with the person who is speaking or who I am in a conversation with. Not only does this greatly increase my retention of their communication, it allows them to feel more comfortable with me and gravitate towards me (provided I am not making eye contact with the psycho serial killer death stare).
Positioning. I like sparkly things. I get distracted easily by people walking around, televisions, and random stuff that no one else notices (such as the different fonts on a restaurant’s signage). This truth about me is in constant conflict with the part of my brain that is reminding myself to make eye contact with the person I am interacting with. With this in mind, as I am picking out my seat in a meeting or positioning my body in a conversation I try to be mindful enough of my surroundings to put my back towards the shiniest stuff in the room so that I don’t have to deal with it.

Like I said, this is nothing new or earthshaking, but they are things that I need to do in order to listen well to those around me.

What habits have YOU developed in order to listen well to people and be fully present in a conversation?