Aug
29
2011

Shepherding Authentic Community

An article by Matt Comments

Growing up north of Baltimore I never really encountered shepherds. In our area of northern Baltimore County, known as the Hereford Zone we saw cows, horses, and more cows… but rarely any shepherds caring for their sheep. It wasn’t until I was finishing college that one of my theology professors really helped me understand the enormity of a shepherd’s job. Often working alone, or with a small group of people, the shepherd used his rod and staff to defend his flock from attackers. Using a sling he chased off aggressors, and was the binder of wounds, protector, and comforter for the flock. It is no wonder the role of shepherd and pastor are spoken of so similarly.

I think the movie The Patriot had a line that best describes both the role of the shepherd and the pastor. The local pastor, when asked why he joined the militia, answered by saying “A shepherd must tend his flock. And at times… fight off the wolves.” Anyone who has been in church leadership for more than a few years has at least one story of fighting off the wolves. Back in June, my friend Steve Caton from Church Community Builder shared a story of when he had to help protect the flock that he has been shepherding. Steve and his wife were leading a small group, they began to realize that one of the members really had no desire to fully engage in the group… and didn’t want to “go there” with everyone else. As you can imagine, that lack of trust and effort had a negative effect on the group as a whole, and in order to protect the group the person was asked to leave.

Since that post, Steve and I have had a dialog through email about the experience, and I asked him to share a little bit about how he led through it, and how the group engaged the situation:

Tell us a little bit about the group that you have been leading.

Steve: My wife and I were inspired to form the group after reading Tangible Kingdom. In short, we wanted to create a venue where we could “go deeper” with people we enjoy doing life with. Many of those people are not regular church attenders but have some level of faith or understanding of God. We enjoy the relationships with these folks, most of whom live in our neighborhood, but wanted to take it beneath the surface more and explore life issues in a more meaningful way.

How did you go about starting the group?

Steve: Our first gathering was on Valentines Day, 2010. We had everyone over to our house for a wine tasting party and then discussed what love really looks like based on 1 Corinthians 13. The introduction of scripture into this “community” was new, radical and risky but most of those who attended were quite intrigued by it. We then laid out our vision of what we wanted to do together and invited those who were interested to join us.

Out of the 8 couples who attended the valentines day gathering, 6 came back the next month and began the journey with us. The typical gathering consists of about an hour and a half of social time (usually around a meal) and then another hour and a half of discussion. The theme is different every month but scripture forms the basis of every discussion. Basically the premise is to see what God’s word has to say about everyday life issues (drinking, debt, marriage, integrity, sex, etc.) and then wrestle with it in the context of our own life experiences and viewpoints.

In your initial post you said that about a year into this you noticed that someone was just not willing to “go there” with the group. Help us understand what that looks like and why it was so important.

Steve: One of the ground rules we established early on was the absolute need for transparency and confidentiality. We stated and everyone agreed that without those ingredients, the group would simply remain a gathering of acquaintances rather than real friends. The intimacy problem surfaced when one of the group participants decided that her life decisions were of no consequence to the group and “her business” even though those decisions were directly impacting several people in the group.

As the situation became more widespread, it was obvious that it was having an effect on the atmosphere of the group. Many did not trust this person and therefore were very uncomfortable sharing their own life issues and challenges in the same room with her. My wife tried several times to reach out to the person and meet with her one-on-one to discuss what was happening and how we would like her to respond. Her attempts were ignored and/or outright rejected. Further dishonesty occurred as the individual tried to justify her inability to meet with my wife. All of this drove us to a place where we had to decide what was more important…..the relationship with the individual or the health of the group.

Tell us a little bit about what it was like to process this together as a group. What struggles did you have together? Was it a unanimous decision?

Steve: Well, it was very difficult to navigate through the situation because there were some in the group who felt that the choices being made by this person were truly “her business” and not our concern. The majority of the group felt as my wife and I did: if the relationships in the group truly mattered, she would acknowledge that her actions were having an impact and choose to address that with us, either one-on-one or as a group.

Because of her unwillingness to discuss the effects of her actions, many in the group were very uncomfortable with her presence in the gatherings since there was zero trust. The group did not have confidence in her “transparency” or her ability to keep things confidential. We therefore discussed next steps at our gathering in May of this year. While the conversation was not without conflict, the group unanimously arrived at a decision that this person could no longer participate in the gatherings unless she was willing to engage the group in a conversation about the consequences of her actions and how to fix it.

Everyone was hopeful that she would do this but not very optimistic about it. The major concern was that we were not exhibiting grace with her and that she would feel “judged”. All communication to her was done in love and with grace. We told her that we loved her and wanted the best for her but we also needed her to be “real” and honest with us if the premise of the group was to remain intact. Again, she never responded with anything other than “it’s my business” so we had to move on for the sake of the group.

That sounds like it was a heart-wrenching process. What has happened since then? Have you noticed a difference in the group? Has there been any contact with the former member?

Steve: Since the gathering in May there has been a sense of relief and an attitude of moving forward. The summer months present challenges for the group, so our gatherings since then have been largely social in nature. The true test will be when we return to our standard format in September.

The relationships remain very healthy and positive. While there are a couple of people in the group who are still in relationship with the person who was invited to leave, that has not had a negative effect on the group, though I can tell that there are some questions about their motives. We will likely see the real relational effects in September.

As for the woman, we have had no contact with her since May. My wife has tried a couple more times to reach out to her but it appears that she has moved on to a new group of friends with no remorse around the loss of relationship with those in the group. We hope that will change in the future and pray for that regularly.

In our culture authentic community is a rare commodity. I am convinced that authentic community is the one thing that the church does far better than anyone else… and it is the thing that many in the world around us seek more than they realize. Because of this, community needs to be treasured, and protected. While Steve’s group made a hard decision, protecting the trust of a group is key to allowing an intimate, authentic community flourish… and I believe they made the right call. What do you think?

How do YOU develop and protect authentic communities in your church?